Tuesday, August 30, 2005

The Sun: Life-giving Star or Rat Bastard

So I have come to believe that as much as I love living in Las Vegas, it could be the 3rd ring of Hell. I say this because no human being should really live in 115+ degree heat. It just isn't right.

So, on Saturday I'm building this stone path from our back yard to the front. Yes, I'm stupid and working outside between 9am and 2 pm; but I'm in the shade (thank you house) and drinking plenty of water... I should be fine, right. NO F'ING WAY!

I spent a wonderful evening on Saturday filled with high fever, freezing and uncontrollable shivers, delirium and massive pain. Wow, it was so incredible. Then that lead to a cold/flu on Sunday and Monday and today I'm going to the doctor as I have razor blades in my throat every time I swallow (no sick jokes) and my glands are swollen so much it hardly looks like I have a freakin neck. My guess is strep, but I'm no doctor.

So, this is what happens when you live on the edge of Hell and you are dumb enough to go outside.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Decisions, Decisions

So, Jill and I have been talking about selling our townhome and getting a house. Our place is nice, don't get me wrong, but the market is turning and if we want to get a decent house (and not live in Pahrump) we have to do it now.

But man, what a bitch all of this is. I mean, there is so much to consider. Should we put the house on the market and if so, when and for how much. I realize that we get a realtor to help, but still, the ultimate decision is ours. Then, where do we go to buy a house? What part of the city? Do we trade in convenience of location for a larger and nicer home or do we get a place smaller but in a good neighborhood?

There are so many decisions, not to mention that we still have a wedding coming up.

Don't get me wrong, this is all good stuff and I am very excited about the numerous possibilities, it just can all seem like a bit much sometimes, ya know?

Monday, August 22, 2005

Well Spank My Ass and Call Me Charlie

So, it turns out I was wrong. The Aristocrats will be playing in Vegas and it opens Friday. This makes me very happy. Not that any of you really care as most of you don't live in Vegas, but...

Just thought I'd add this post to say I'm wrong after crying like a little girl with a skinned knee earlier.

Friday, August 19, 2005

On a serious note

Normally, I use this blog for my pathetic attempts to be funny or creative. But I read something today that moved me and I feel that I need to share it.

Most of you reading this know me pretty well and therefore know that I fashion myself as basically quite liberal. I do not support the war in Iraq nor do I support the politicians that put our soldiers there. I do, however fully and whole-heartedly support the men and women who are over there and giving of themselves everyday. It is for them and the others mentioned (police officers, firefighters, teachers, etc.) that I post this.

I apologize for the length, but I am not able to simply link to this.


For many years Ben Stein has written a biweekly column called "Monday Night At Morton's." (Morton's is a famous chain of Steakhouses known to be frequented by movie stars and famous people from around the globe.) Now, Ben is terminating the column to move on to other things in his life. Reading his final column is worth a few minutes of your time.Ben Stein's Last Column... ============================================

How Can Someone Who Lives in Insane Luxury Be a Star in Today's World?

As I begin to write this, I "slug" it, as we writers say, which means I put a heading on top of the document to identify it. This heading is "eonlineFINAL," and it gives me a shiver to write it. I have been doing this column for so long that I cannot even recall when I started. I loved writing this column so much for so long I came to believe it would never end.

It worked well for a long time, but gradually, my changing as a person and the world's change have overtaken it. On a small scale, Morton's, while better than ever, no longer attracts as many stars as it used to. It still brings in the rich people in droves and definitely some stars. I saw Samuel L. Jackson there a few days ago, and we had a nice visit, and right before that, I saw and had a splendid talk with Warren Beatty in an elevator, in which we agreed that Splendor in the Grass was a super movie. But Morton's is not the star galaxy it once was, though it probably will be again.

Beyond that, a bigger change has happened. I no longer think Hollywood stars are terribly important. They are uniformly pleasant, friendly people, and they treat me better than I deserve to be treated. But a man or woman who makes a huge wage for memorizing lines and reciting them in front of a camera is no longer my idea of a shining star we should all look up to.

How can a man or woman who makes an eight-figure wage and lives in insane luxury really be a star in today's world, if by a "star" we mean someone bright and powerful and attractive as a role model? Real stars are not riding around in the backs of limousines or in Porsches or getting trained in yoga or Pilates and eating only raw fruit while they have Vietnamese girls do their nails.

They can be interesting, nice people, but they are not heroes to me any longer. A real star is the soldier of the 4th Infantry Division who poked his head into a hole on a farm near Tikrit, Iraq. He could have been met by a bomb or a hail of AK-47 bullets. Instead, he faced an abject Saddam Hussein and the gratitude of all of the decent people of the world.

A real star is the U.S. soldier who was sent to disarm a bomb next to a road north of Baghdad. He approached it, and the bomb went off and killed him.

A real star, the kind who haunts my memory night and day, is the U.S. soldier in Baghdad who saw a little girl playing with a piece of unexploded ordnance on a street near where he was guarding a station. He pushed her aside and threw himself on it just as it exploded. He left a family desolate in California and a little girl alive in Baghdad.

The stars who deserve media attention are not the ones who have lavish weddings on TV but the ones who patrol the streets of Mosul even after two of their buddies were murdered and their bodies battered and stripped for the sin of trying to protect Iraqis from terrorists.

We put couples with incomes of $100 million a year on the covers of our magazines. The noncoms and officers who barely scrape by on military pay but stand on guard in Afghanistan and Iraq and on ships and in submarines and near the Arctic Circle are anonymous as they live and die.

I am no longer comfortable being a part of the system that has such poor values, and I do not want to perpetuate those values by pretending that who is eating at Morton's is a big subject.

There are plenty of other stars in the American firmament...the policemen and women who go off on patrol in South Central and have no idea if they will return alive; the orderlies and paramedics who bring in people who have been in terrible accidents and prepare them for surgery; the teachers and nurses who throw their whole spirits into caring for autistic children; the kind men and women who work in hospices and in cancer wards.

Think of each and every fireman who was running up the stairs at the World Trade Center as the towers began to collapse. Now you have my idea of a real hero.

I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters. This is my highest and best use as a human. I can put it another way. Years ago, I realized I could never be as great an actor as Olivier or as good a comic as Steve Martin...or Martin Mull or Fred Willard--or as good an economist as Samuelson or Friedman or as good a writer as Fitzgerald. Or even remotely close to any of them.

But I could be a devoted father to my son, husband to my wife and, above all, a good son to the parents who had done so much for me. This came to be my main task in life. I did it moderately well with my son, pretty well with my wife and well indeed with my parents (with my sister's help). I cared for and paid attention to them in their declining years. I stayed with my father as he got sick, went into extremis and then into a coma and then entered immortality with my sister and me reading him the Psalms.

This was the only point at which my life touched the lives of the soldiers in Iraq or the firefighters in New York. I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters and that it is my duty, in return for the lavish life God has devolved upon me, to help others He has placed in my path. This is my highest and best use as a human.

Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will.
By Ben Stein

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Coming Attractions

Be on the lookout for:

Fluffy Trek II: The Wrath of Spam
Fluffy Episode III: Revenge of the Fish


On a totally non-Fluffy note, but having to do with coming attractions; I am totally pissed off that The Aristocrats will not be released in Las Vegas. This sucks!

For any of you not familiar with The Aristocrats, it is a documentary of sorts featuring 100 of the top people in comedy (not just stand-ups but a variety of different types of performers) all performing the same joke. This joke has the same beginning and the same ending but the middle part can and will differ with each different person telling it. It is, by all accounts, one of the filthiest most depraved jokes ever muttered. So, of course, I am chomping at the bit to see this.

For more info on the joke itself, check out this version I found... but only if you don't offend easily.

Ciao

Denouement

Fluffy was safe, away from the wild villagers that would cause unspeakable harm.

Did they take the shortcut... I think not.

"One day I'll return to them, and when I do it will be as their leader!" Fluffy vowed. "And it will be prune juice and fish for everyone!!!"

Fluffy began the journey across the lush green hills of the Gunterland. Little did Fluffy know that events had already been set in motion that would one day cause Fluffy to receive a peanut butter enema. But that, my friends, is another tale for another day.

Gunterland was thriving. There were myriad fruits and vegetables growing all along the path. Birds flocked, deer pranced and even the occasional garden gnome came out to do a gnome-jig across the path and give Fluffy the finger.

It was then, that Fluffy noticed the large cottage in the distance. Renewed with a kind of energy that one normally only gets from pixie sticks, Fluffy darted toward the cottage, knowing that destiny was waiting inside.

Fluffy knocked on the door, "Hello in there, it is I, Fluffy of the Bouillabaisse. Will you have me enter?"
A sharp click and the door opened a crack. "Enter, oh great Fluffy, you have been expected." a voice boomed from within.
And with that Fluffy did what anyone would do. Brave Fluffy who conquered the forest and the mushroom; shat upon the doorstep.
Trembling, Fluffy entered and the door immediately slammed shut.

And, dear friends, this is where the story of Fluffy must end. For, you see, no one knows what truly happened inside that cottage. Any who have attempted to learn the truth have returned from their journey clutching a picture of Liberace and muttering one word continuously... "cabbage."

So, dear friends, to save us all from this fate, I must, with a heavy heart, bid farewell to Fluffy.

Fin

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Tributary of Awareness

Colors
Tree
A peanut butter clam
Fluffy likes the mushroom
Alice in Wonderland soundtrack
Shortcut
Reminder
Bird
Did someone say glass in my ass
Smiles
You seem taller on the radio
Rectum, it damn near killed him
The flowers smell of Spam
Is that a shortcut
Hold me close young Tony Danza
Sporks make me laugh
Fluffy likes the mushroom
Bokata... eat
You take the high road and I'll take the low road
You gotta ask yourself "Do I feel Fluffy?" Well, do ya, punk
People don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care
Fluffy REALLY likes the mushroom
Follow the brown and dirt path
Ramen noodles... not just for breakfast
Everyone loves a good Bris
This is a shortcut
I'm almost out of the woods

The path of black fled out of the forest; and Fluffy followed.

Bacon:The Gathering

Bang! Crash!
The plates all smash.
Oh, why!
Everybody cries.
When that Fluffy went away
Fluffy ruined our special day.
We hung lights, put up signs
Bought a giant vat of wine
We bought cheese and some Spam
Janice dipped herself in jam
Brought in clowns, chimpanzees
And a fat guy on trapeze
We dropped our cocks and grabbed our socks
Ate our bagels without locks
All for Fluffy was this done
But Fluffys out there on the run
Fluffy ruined our special day
So that bastard’s gonna pay
First we’ll get some broken glass
Place it deep in Fluffy’s ass
Get a blowtorch and a fish
Fluffy’s head we’re gonna squish
Cut the arms off then the head
And then after Fluffy’s dead
We will all go light a fire
Call it Fluffy’s funeral pyre
Oh yes, Fluffy will rue the way
That Fluffy ruined our special day

Monday, August 15, 2005

Beefy Style Raisins

One day, Fluffy got angry.
Of all days to become angry and storm off... why now, why today. Much confusion arose at the reception hall. The lights were set, the podium in place, but... no fluffy. Hushed voices murmured rumors about pirates and strawberry jam, but no one new for sure. Soon the voices raised into a cacophony of almost birdlike sounds. It was anarchy. But, we'll come back to that later.
"So much for you and your rules!" Fluffy screamed at the village gates, "I'll not listen to 'Tiny Dancer' lest I damn well please." And with that, Fluffy started for the forest.
Now the forest, as I'm sure you've heard, is a strange and murky place. The kind of place old women speak about in front of a fire before they vomit. The sort of place that parents tell children to frighten them before bed. The sort of place uncles tell children about to keep them from crying during 'special explore time.' The mist crawled along the damp ground making almost impossible to see. That, plus the roots breaking through the trail and the occasional mushroom made it a dangerous route. Fluffy's determination and rage only lasted so long when blasted by the crushing solitude of The Happy Forest.
"I'm n-n-not so sc-c-cared," said fluffy aloud, "j-just stick to the trail and I'll be fine."
"Caw... caw..." screeched the large birds above, "Caw... caw... lick your ass for a dollar."
Yes, this was indeed a bad part of the forest. The sooner out of here the better.
"Psst, hey... down here" Fluffy heard a voice say. "I know a shortcut."
Fluffy turned "Who said that?"
"Down here."
And it was then that Fluffy saw the little mushroom. "I know a shortcut through the wood."
"Tell me please," Fluffy begged, "I'm ever so frightened."
"You have to eat me" said the mushroom.
"I've heard that before," replied Fluffy, "From a Snarf by the docks. It took 3 weeks to get the lumps off of my tongue and Spam has never tasted the same since."
"It's the only way," the mushroom said.
"Well, if I must" and with that Fluffy swallowed the mushroom in one gulp.

That's when it started getting weird.

Friday, August 12, 2005

A Few Musts

So, I thought I'd put together a few things which I feel are "musts" in life. Meaning basically things that I think are so good that you must try them. Of course, this is just my opinion and opinions are like assholes (we all have 'em and they all stink).

Anyhoo, here goes -

Books:
Harry Potter - all of them. If you haven't started, do yourself a favor... start.
The Dark Tower Series
All of the Vampire Chronicles
Transmetropolitan (Books 0-10) - great comic series now available in collected books

Movies:
Forget it, anyone who knows me, knows I could fill 3 pages here alone... I'll just skip it

Television:
24
Twin Peaks - might be difficult to find the entire series but it is soooo worth it
The Family Guy, Simpsons, Futureama - of course
Carnivale

Wine:
Evolution - it is a great whit wine. A mixture of 9 different types of grapes.
Santa Margarita Pino Grigio

Music:
Alanis Morisette - anything by her
Jason Mraz - Mr. A to Z
Neutral Milk Hotel - I've never hear them, but they come highly recommended by my friend Scott. That, plus the name, is good enough for me
Ponder

Other Music:
Wicked:The Original B'Way Sndtk - beyond good
Cabaret:The B'Way Revival (With Alan Cummings)
Moulin Rouge: Movie Sndtk





All of these get my -















Please, I encourage you all to check these things out. And please, tell me of your own musts.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Spamalot

Let me just take a moment to discuss the lowest form of sub-human waste... the spammer.
Anyone who is a spammer is a disgusting worthless pile of rat infested, bile coated shit. Spammers are the most horrid plague on what should be a nice, friendly internet experience. All spammers should rot in hell covered by the rotting corpse of their mothers.

In other words, I don't like them.

In case any of you are wondering about my tirade, I just received 2 blog comments from spammers. Hopefully, I will be able to erase them so as to not infect you with their filth.

Cheers

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Insane in the Membrane

So I firmly believe that there is a very fine line between "normal" and insane. I don't think it is only to the extreme of rolling around in a diaper full of oatmeal while you are trying to defend your chair from the family cat. No, I'm talking about true daily insanity.

See, I believe that the insane simply lack the "inner voice" that says "No, perhaps you shouldn't do that. It really wouldn't be good" and so they act or speak in ways that might strike the "normal" person as peculiar.

For example... Say you are at work and you are having a really frustrating day due largely to the underskilled excuse for a boss that you have riding your ass like Seabiscuit. So, you think to your self for a moment... "Man, it would be funny to go into his office, give him the finger and shit on his desk." You get a slight chuckle then you return to your private hell. The insane person would defecate on said desk without hesitation.

Another example... Say you're talking to a good friend or even a family member and it is a happy, pleasant chat. Then, ding, the though crosses your mind "I could haul off and smack this person and they would so not expect it." Not that you have any anger or hostility toward them at all, quite the opposite, in fact, which is why your surprise attack would work like gangbusters. However, you don't do it. Why? Because you aren't batshit crazy. Although it would be funny as hell.

Just something to think about... who knows, maybe the next time you accidentally bump into someone's cart in the grocery store, you may have inadvertently acquired the wrath of a wacko who would just as soon pummel you with red potatoes, leap upon your now prone body and feast upon your soul.

Yeah

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Rubbin' One Out

Floggin' the Dolphin
Clubbin' the Seal
Polishing the Pewter
Spanking the Monkey
Whuppin' the Mule
Tapping Little Johnny behind the ear
Strokin' it
Jerking off
Hanging Out with Palmala Handerson
Dating Rosie Palm (and her 5 friends)
Tossing one
Meeting the Mister
Shaking Hands with Johnny
Slapping the Salami
Playing with Yourself
Doing the 5 Knuckle Shuffle
Whippin the Weasel